Saturday, January 19, 2013

Golden Globes least dressed

"Dress shabbily and they remember the dress; dress impeccably and they remember the woman." ― Coco Chanel

THERE WERE so many outfits at the Golden Globes I didn't like that I could have easily chosen 20 or more.

Nicole Richie
Nicole's dress made it onto some best dressed lists, but IMHO it looks like she's wearing a table cloth she sewed in 4-H. A V-neck would have helped; structural detail would have helped, and it just looks too old for her. She can wait another 20 years or so to be the mother of the bride.

Amy Poehler
Amy's outfit also made a few best-dressed lists, but there's too much cleavage (not as obvious in this shot as it actually was), and those short toreador pants make her legs look fat, chunky and stumpy (sort of sounds like a good name for a cartoon trio — fatty, chunky and stumpy), not to mention that the women's tuxedo thing has been done to death.

Sienna Miller
Sienna's two-piece may have been created, as she says, by one of Britain's hot new designers, but that doesn't make it good. Cut off the skirt, and it's a perfect little summer outfit to wear to lunch with the girls in suburbia, but not the Golden Globes.

Lucy Liu
Lucy Liu appears to be wearing either the French-inspired love seat upholstery or drapes from her bedroom. 

Kristen Bell
I realize Kristen is pregnant, but that's not the problem or even any problem. It's that gigantic set of beaded football shoulder pads she's wearing. They make her look like she has no neck whatsoever. And would it kill you to wear color? If the skirt from the below the shoulder pads down would have at least been an appealing color, it would have balanced the weight of that heavy frontispiece. All in all, she looks like she's wearing a neck immobilizer attached to bedazzled football pads attached to window shears. 

Eva Longoria
I'm thinking Eva Longoria didn't have time to shop or have anything made, so she pulled out some lingerie from her boudoir and called it good. There's just too much skin. We shouldn't be able to see the side of your breasts, Eva. Come on, you know the rules: one exposed area per outfit. If you show lots of leg, you gotta keep the girls covered and vice versa.

Rachel Weisz
Rachel, it's just awful, what can I say? At the last minute, did someone in your entourage try to 'edge up' your look by taking scissors this thing? If you'd only just let the solid black underskirt go all the way to the floor and added a string of pearls, you would have looked classically stunning. Think Audrey Hepburn, Jackie KennedyGrace Kelly or Veronica Lake.  

Katharine McPhee
Oh for goodness sake, Katharine, you look like you dropped in (or out — which seems much more likely under the circumstances) at the Golden Globes after raving it up at a bondage party or maybe a goth strip club. That's where it looks like you belong. Satin suspenders attached to a partial skirt, does not qualify as wearing clothes.

Alyssa Milanno
Oh, where to start. The color is awful, the shininess is worse and the shape. Wait, what shape? She looks like she's either wearing a toga or has been transformed into a balloon-twist animal/person that clowns make. If Alyssa imagined the loose fit camouflages extra weight or problem areas, the opposite is happening. She looks bigger than I suspect she is.

Jessica Chastain
You may wonder how any dress could be worse than the previous shiny orange balloon-toga, but Jessica managed to find one. It's a saggy, baggy sack hardly covering any of the significant parts of her body. And as if having no coverage on the upper front wasn't tasteless enough, her dress was also entirely backless! Her hair looks like she escaped from Sister Wives and the makeup does her no favors, especially that red-with-a-capital-R lipstick. How could anyone with flawless skin, gorgeous-colored hair and a trim and shapely figure look so bad? 
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